


Sailing Through

by bunnybrook



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Brainwashing, Canon-Typical Violence, Cults, Dubious Consent, Established Relationship, Grooming, M/M, Physical Abuse, Relationship Problems
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2018-08-29
Packaged: 2018-11-04 21:53:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10999746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bunnybrook/pseuds/bunnybrook
Summary: Organization XIII seems like a dead end but as Nobodies it's where they belong. Their lack of hearts isn't the only thing that's going to drive Axel and Saïx apart.





	1. 0

He was aware of only of his breathing at first, a steady rush in his ears. He felt his lungs expand with the inhale, deflate with the exhale. That was how he knew the breathing was his own. There was something weighted on top of him, a soft, heavy comforter. He opened his eyes. Most everything in the room was white, catching back what little light filtered through the crack under the door. As if someone had torn a hole in space, a messy pile of black clothing was tossed into the corner. He remembered taking them off some time ago, collapsing to sleep. Someone must have gotten the comforter for him.

There wasn’t any reason for him to stay in bed so he dressed himself. He didn’t look for a light to turn on. He sat on the bed to lace his boots but something about his hands caught his attention. He saw them move when he commanded them to but they seemed to be held by sticks being controlled by someone who wasn’t him.

He ignored the thought and finished tying the laces into a loose knot. He grabbed the cloak, the only thing that would be able to keep him warm as he went to explore. The hall outside extended in both directions, one leading towards more doors, the other towards a common room. Someone should be there. His boots clicked on the tile. The noise echoed through the empty place, through his hollow body.

He recognized another boy sitting cross legged on the floor, bony shoulders bare, hunched over a glass center table, lighting a match and watching it fizz until it got to his fingers, then dropping it onto a pile of other burnt out matches. He did this over and over.

This was Axel. The knowledge was inherent. This was Axel the same way things fall down instead of up. This was Axel the same way stones sinks.   

Axel dropped a match and glanced up, a grin splitting his face. “Isa!”

Saïx frowned. Axel leapt to his feet and ran over, tackling Saïx with a hug that nearly knocked him over.

“That's... That's not my name,” Saïx said. Regardless, he lifted his heavy hands and rested them on the small of Axel’s back, returning the embrace.

“Oh,” Axel said. “Right.” He pressed a hot kiss to Saïx’s cheek, rested his head on Saïx’s shoulder. “You slept for a few days, I got worried you wouldn't wake up.”

“I guess I was tired,” Saïx said. Axel laughed, his whole upper half moving with the sound. Saïx tried to smile but it felt ugly on his face, he didn't keep it for long.

Axel finally dropped the hug. He lightly punched Saïx on the shoulder, padding back to his seat on the floor and picking up the box of matches again. He dragged one across the lighting strip on the box. It fizzed to life in his hands. He wasn't wearing nearly as much as Saïx, only pants and a dark tank top.

“Where did you get those?” Saïx asked. 

Axel tipped his head, pointing out a man dozing on the couch across the room. “I was bothering Xaldin so he gave me something to keep my hands busy.”

“Looks like it worked” Saïx said. 

“Yeah,” Axel said. He poked the tip of his tongue out between his lips, concentrating on the flame in his hands.

A match fizzed to life. Saïx could smell it burning.

“Are you cold?” Saïx asked. Even dressed, Saïx was close to shivering.

“Nah,” Axel shrugged. “The darkness can feel sort of cold and there’s a lot of that here. Xaldin told me. I'm warm as ever.”

Saïx nodded. “Be careful,” he said.

“Yeah,” Axel said. He bit his tongue again.

“I'm serious,” Saïx said. He swayed on his feet, looking down at Axel. Axel didn't even acknowledge. A match fizzed to life in his hands.

Bored of watching Axel waste matches, Saïx tore himself away and tried to take everything in. Floor to ceiling windows made up an entire wall, outside there was only void specked with far away worlds. He walked over, already sick of how loud his footsteps were on the stone. His fingers left oil on the window when he touched. He wiped it with his sleeve, smudging the handprint along the glass.

Axel shouted. Saïx’s head turned to meet the noise. Axel was sucking on his fingers, the box of matches still in one shaking hand.

Saïx clenched his fists, holding the tension in the way his nails dug into his palms. “I told you to be careful.”

“I  _ was _ ,” Axel said around his fingers. 

Saïx grabbed Axel’s wrist, pulling it towards him. A bright white blister was forming on the tip of his index finger. Axel winced when he saw it, as if he didn't feel any of the pain in his body and only knew how to react from the visual of the wound.

“Then why did this happen?” Saïx asked.

“I wasn't paying attention,” Axel said. He tugged his wrist back and shoved his finger back into his mouth.

“How were you being careful, then?” 

Axel didn't answer. 

Saïx sighed, turning to leave.

“Wait!” Axel said. He grabbed Saïx’s cloak to stop him. Saïx didn't look at him. “I'm sorry.”

“I'm going back to bed,” Saïx said. He tried to move away but Axel tugged on his clothes.

“I don't want you to,” he said. “Come on, man, I'm bored here.”

Saïx looked over his shoulder. 

“Please?” Axel said.

“I’m tired,” Saïx mumbled. Axel let him go. 

Saïx only dropped the cloak and kicked off his boots before crawling back under the comforter. Every breath stung with how cold the air was. Maybe he would steal Axel’s matchbox and start a fire to warm himself. Maybe not.

He dozed. Sometime later he heard the door creak open but he didn’t move, hoping whoever it was would assume he was sleeping. 

“Isa?” Axel said. “Hey.”

Saïx didn’t respond.

“Oh,” he said. “You’re asleep.” The bed dipped where Axel sat down. “I’m sorry. I should’ve been looking out for myself.” Silence. Axel pulled the comforter back, laying down next to Saïx. “I’m sorry this all happened.”

Saïx knew his heart was gone because he didn’t feel the ache he usually did when Axel apologized like this. He could imagine the heaviness of the guilt he should be feeling. He wished for it. There was nothing. Still feigning sleep he rolled over and pressed up against Axel. 

“I’m sorry,” Axel said again, Saïx didn’t know what for this time. He didn’t want to know.


	2. I

Saïx was dreaming, distant shapes and warmth. He was tossing a Frisbee back and forth with Lea, the plastic gleaming in a way it only did on extremely sunny days. Lea opened his mouth to say something but, despite the grin on his face, the noise that came out was pained. Saïx felt the warmth beside him get pulled away. He heard Axel shout.

“What the  _ hell _ ?” he was saying, reaching out and grabbing onto Saïx’s arm as he was dragged out of bed.

“If you got your ass out of bed when I fucking  _ called  _ you…” Xigbar growled, feet firm on the floor. Saïx was awake now, sitting up and pushing Axel off of him. Axel hit the floor with a ‘thud’. 

Saïx took a moment to orient himself. Xigbar was standing in the open doorway, fully dressed. He crossed his arms. Saïx couldn’t tell if he was angry or amused. Axel stood, going to shove Xigbar but Xigbar stepped back, leaving Axel tripping over himself again.

“What do you want from us?” Saïx asked, finally finding his voice. He was having trouble getting himself together after being awoken so abruptly. 

“You need to go out,” Xigbar said.

“Where?”

“Twilight Town, I think.”

“You  _ think _ ?” Axel said. “Do you  _ think _ or do you  _ know _ ?’

“Listen up smart ass”-that was definitely anger-“if you know what’s good for you, you’ll shut up and listen to me.”

Axel crossed his arms and sneered. Before he could mouth off again, Saïx pushed the comforter to the foot of the bed and stepped in between him and Xigbar.

“We’ll go,” he said. Axel opened his mouth to say something but Saïx gave him a look that signaled it would be best he kept his mouth shut.

“Get ready, I’ll see you in the lobby.” The door slid closed after Xigbar. Saïx let himself relax but Axel stomped to the bed, picked up the pillow and threw it at the wall. The impact was soft, unsatisfying. He pushed the comforter off the bed then and slammed his fist into the mattress.

“That’s not going to help,” Saïx said. Axel’s shoulders fell.

“I don’t want to fucking be here,” he said.

“There isn’t anywhere to go.” Saïx picked up his cloak, weighing it. The fabric was light and he knew it was insulating but the texture was sickeningly artificial. It was all he had and he had a feeling there would be trouble if he didn’t wear it. “We can’t just blend in anymore. People can tell that we’re” Nobodies “different.”

“We’re resourceful,” Axel insisted. He sat on the bed and crossed his arms. He didn’t look angry, he looked guarded. “We could make it somewhere.”

“Where, then?” Saïx held the cloak up, looking at it. It fit him almost perfectly. He didn’t want to think about where it had come from, the feeling of measuring tape, stiff around his bare shoulders. “Where would we go? What world? Where could we live?”

Axel was quiet. “We could go back to-”

“They’d find us,” Saïx interrupted. He grabbed his boots and sat on the bed with his back to Axel.

“But-”

“Just let me think about it,” Saïx snapped. “I promise I’ll figure something out.”

“Isa…” Axel sounded like he was being choked. The crack in his voice should have made Saïx feel something. It should have compelled him to reach out, offer warmth. He couldn’t turn and meet Axel’s gaze.

“Go get fucking dressed,” Saïx said. “We’ll talk when we get out of the castle.”

“Right,” Axel said. “Yeah.”

He stood and Saïx felt himself sink further into the mattress. Axel’s hand was on his shoulder. He turned and Axel kissed him, leaning into him. Saïx closed his eyes and focussed on the softness of Axel's lips, then the sting of the cold that was left. When he opened his eyes, the door was closing. He tied the laces of one of his boots and stared at the other. He felt lopsided with only one shoe on but he couldn’t get himself to move. He pressed his palms into his eyes until he thought they would burst. 

He had to do this. He had to do something. He had to find his Heart and get it back into himself somehow. He couldn’t even imagine where it would be right now, what it looked like, how he would make it his own again. He could remember losing it well enough, blinding pain and then emptiness. Almost like removing a thorn, the air made the open wound ache. And Lea’s voice, distant, echoing...

Thinking about this would get him nowhere. He gathered himself and tied the laces on his other boot, hurrying into the lobby before he spiralled into despair. 

Xigbar was waiting. He lounged on a couch, flipping through a document on a tablet. He looked up and met Saïx’s eyes. Saïx kept eye contact, squaring his shoulders and standing up taller. Xigbar was looking for something inside of him, reading him, judging him. Saïx felt exposed. Xigbar’s eyes were almost exactly like Xemnas’s, he’d never noticed that before. They were like glass. 

Saïx was about to surrender when Xigbar’s eyes flicked to watch Axel enter the room, letting Saïx breathe easy.

“Right,” Xigbar said. “Briefing. You’re going to Twilight Town and you’re going to tell us what’s there. Heartless, anyone suspicious, record it somehow. Tell us the best way to navigate and what the people there are like. Don’t be seen, don’t get hurt, don’t die. You’ll know when you’re allowed to come back. Questions?”

“Yeah,” Axel said. “Why are you so ugly?”

Xigbar didn’t skip a beat. “If you don’t follow through, I’ll personally make sure both of you are punished for it.” Without standing, he waved his hand and summoned a corridor. 

Neither of the boys moved.

“Get the fuck out of here,” Xigbar said. The threat was obvious beneath this demand.

Reluctantly, Saïx stepped forward. Axel grabbed his hand and he faltered but Axel only walked with him, through the corridor. When they emerged in Twilight Town, the glare of the setting sun was blinding. Saïx held his hand up, trying to block it out. He heard the corridor close behind him.

“We could just make a break for it,” Axel said. Saïx tried to blink his eyes back into focussing. They were at the end of a narrow alley, tall brick building swallowing them.

“I doubt it’s that easy,” Saïx said. Axel started off towards the street, Saïx followed.

“I don’t know,” Saïx said. “I’m still cold.”

Axel unzipped his cloak, taking it off and draping it over his arm. “It’s pretty nice here.” He peered out into the street, checking to see if anyone was coming. Hesitating only to drop his cloak on a crate pressed against a building, he stepped out onto the street. “You could be getting sick,” Axel went on. He was pulling his gloves off, finger by finger, sticking them in his pocket when he was done.

“Can we even  _ get _ sick anymore?” Saïx wandered after him, not looking where he was going. He trusted Axel to guide him. 

“Fucked if I know.” Axel laughed. “Why don’t we get some kind of puberty talk about becoming a Nobody, huh? The birds and the Heartless… We’re gonna die because we don’t know how to take care of ourselves now.”

“If we die, we’re probably better off for it,” Saïx muttered. If Axel heard, he didn’t respond. The sounds of people bounced off the walls of the street, which was barely any wider than the alley they’d stepped out of. It mixed with the noise of their steps on the pavement. Their shadows stretched out long behind them. 

“If those idiots were going for stealth they really fucked up with these boots,” Axel said.

Something was moving in the shadows in front of him. Saïx stopped to look. The shadows cut diagonally across the alleyway because of how the sun was setting, Axel was going to walk right into one.

“I sound like a fucking-”

“Shut up,” Saïx hissed, grabbing Axel by the arm. He pointed. “Look. Heartless.”

Both of them barely breathed. They watched the shadows churn and writhe until they stilled suddenly. Eyes blinked open, reflecting bright sunlight. They were empty. The creature that stepped forward was small, clicking softly.

“Hey,” Axel said. “Cool.” He walked towards it, holding his hands out and imitating the clicking noise with his tongue.

“What are you doing?” Saïx said. 

“Catching it,” Axel whispered back, glancing over his shoulder to smile. “Just be careful and grab ‘em by the stomach and you’re good.”

Saïx started to smile back, remembering the pure joy Axel used to bring him. But he saw the Heartless tense as Axel turned his head and, without thinking, ran in between it and Axel. It hissed and leapt onto him, making him stumble back on his feet. He shouted, trying to push it off. It had dug its claws into the fabric of his cloak, he could feel the tips of them brushing his skin, almost tickling if not for the threat they posed. Like walking through a rose bush. 

“Shit!” Axel shouted. He grabbed for it, his hands sinking into its dark body. That caused it to dig its claws in, piercing Saïx’s skin. 

“Ow!” The exclamation was more shock than pain. Saïx’s back hit the wall and he finally got the leverage to push the Heartless off of him. It held on for dear life, taking strips of fabric with it when it fell. It tore through Saïx’s cloak, his shirt, down to rough scratches down his sides. 

The Heartless trilled, a pitiful noise of pain. It didn't move from where it hit the ground. It looked almost loveable then, so obviously injured. Before Saïx could notice the spark of sympathy he'd felt, Axel ran over and kicked the Heartless back into the shadow where it dissolved into the darkness. 

“Fuck, I'm so sorry,” Axel said, panting. “Are you okay? Not hurt too bad? Doing good?”

The cuts on Saïx’s chest stung. He said, “I'm fine.”

Axel made his way back over to Saïx, backing him up against the wall again. He went for the zipper of Saïx's cloak.

“Let me get this off and look at them,” Axel said. Without waiting for an answer, Axel unzipped the cloak, pushing it down Saïx's shoulders. He put a hand on Saïx's side. His palm was hot on the bleeding wound. 

“Ow,” Saïx said. 

“You have long sleeves on,” Axel said. “Did you pick that?”

“Huh?” Saïx looked down, like he'd forgotten what he was wearing. Axel finished unzipping the cloak and pushed it back onto the ground. “Is that bad?”

“Not really,” Axel said. “Our shirts are different.”

Saïx tugged on the bottom of his shirt, suddenly self conscious of it. He looked at Axel’s, a tight tank top that showed off his shoulders and the way his body curved. “Did you pick yours?”

“I dunno. I guess. It seems like me.” Axel moved his hands down to Saïx's hips and rested his head on Saïx's shoulder. 

“I guess,” Saïx said. 

Axel was so close to him. He was trapped between the solid building behind him and the solid body holding him there. All he had felt around Axel since waking up as a Nobody was guilt and anxiety. He saw Axel smile, then felt chapped lips against his jaw. Did Axel still feel things that Saïx couldn't understand? Or was this performative?

“Stop,” Saïx whispered. “Someone could see.”

“Hey, there's no one around,” Axel cooed. “Don't worry.” Axel inched his hand towards Saïx's crotch. 

Saïx balled his fists, tense. “But someone-” Axel's fingers were hot on the patch of skin where Saïx's shirt was riding up. He pushed Axel back, sidestepping to avoid him. “ _ Not now _ .”

Axel stood and stared, jaw open, caught in the headlights. “Wha… I mean. But. Eventually, yeah?”

Saïx couldn't look back at him. It was impossible to watch how Axel mimicked feeling things. Disappointment. Pain. Saïx turned and tried to muster a smile to show that he wasn't  _ that _ angry. He only felt the air on his teeth, the stretch of his muscles, the ache in his sides. He dropped the expression and turned away, stuffed his hands in his pockets. He felt wooden when he moved, like his joints had been taken out and replaced with something wrong.

Axel was quiet. He shuffled his feet on the ground, his boots scraping on the stone. The sound of a trolley made its way down the alley. Axel perked up at that.

“We should check that out,” he said, grinning. He started to run off, stopping to make sure Saïx was following. Saïx forced another smile, thinking he might be getting better at that, and ran after him.

They followed the narrow road until they came out onto a large square. There were people, finally. Children chased each other, a few couples held hands, a mother held her toddler's hand as he waddled over the trolley tracks. It felt alive here. Saïx heard Axel gasp and he turned to see what was wrong. Axel turned to him and grinned. He put a hand on Saïx's shoulder and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

“I'll be right back, stay here,” he said, then dashed off.

Saïx didn't even try to follow, he knew running would probably open the wounds on his sides back up. Instead, he walked back down the street just enough to be out of sight and peeled his shirt off, assessing the damage. 

They didn't seem to be that deep. They had bled, it had dried onto his skin and stained it red. Bits of black lint from his shirt stuck to the scratches. Saïx licked his thumb and tried to get some of the blood off with his spit. It hurt but only in his body. Pain comes with emotion, fear, disgust, excitement, but this was raw. This was nothing other than a sting.

Something hard was in one of the wounds. He only noticed because of how his thumb brushed over it while he tried to clean. He squeezed his eyes shut and pulled it out. It looked like a black thorn, long and pointed. It had the texture of charcoal and when Saïx squeezed it, it turned to dust on his fingertips. He rubbed them together. It must have been one of the Heartless’s claws. 

Saïx decided he'd made a mess and leaned back onto the building behind him. The brick was rough on his bare shoulders. Without the pain, he decided, there would be nothing to tether himself to this world. Time would pass unnoticed and he would waste away trying to feel something. He closed his eyes and rolled his shoulders back to feel the building scrape his skin.

“Wow! Having fun without me?” Axel shouted. He wolf-whistled. Saïx was startled, hurriedly reaching to get his shirt back on.

“Leave me alone” Saïx mumbled.

Axel laughed. “Look what I got.” He held up two sticks of ice cream. Saïx couldn't figure out how to react. He should be excited, maybe, because that was something familiar from home, before home became unreachable and swallowed whole by the same darkness that had consumed them. But then, shouldn't the reminder of that make him feel sad?

“How?” he said. He took one of them and looked at it. It was starting to soften, not melting yet. The frost that made it hard when it was just out of the freezer was gone.

“I told them you were attacked by a Heartless and we lost our cash,” Axel explained. “And I fake-cried a bit just cause I can.”

“Oh,” Saïx said. “Good job.”

Axel nodded and drifted away, k-click down the alley. Saïx followed. As they moved away from the square again, the town fell mostly silent. There was nothing to say. Or maybe, there was just too much and neither knew where to start. The ice cream numbed Saïx's lips. Axel finished his ice cream before Saïx did. He put the stick in his pocket.

“Why are you keeping that?” Saïx asked.

“I'm gonna burn it,” Axel said. He pointed to the clock tower, they were getting close to it. “We're going there.”

“Okay,” Saïx said. 

They got a bit lost, wound up jumping a fence instead of trying to navigate when they couldn't see up hills and over the tops of buildings. 

The lobby of the clock tower had a small exhibit about the history of the town. Black and white photos of the family that built the clock tower. Axel ignored it and ran through the lobby, towards a roped off door. Saïx stopped to look for a moment. The tower was almost a century old. Looking up, he could see all the way up to where light filtered in through the top. 

“C’mon,” Axel called. Saïx ran his hands over the glossy placard, its was almost grainy beneath his fingers. He pulled himself away and ducked under the rope, following Axel.

“There might have been a lift somewhere,” Saïx said. They were halfway up the tower and Saïx was sweating. He could hear Axel panting. He'd stopped taking the stairs two at a time and had slowed, but he was still more energetic than Saïx.

“Eh,” Axel said. “Too late.”

The door at the top was unlocked. It was breezy on the tower. Saïx hugged himself. He watched Axel sit down and swing his legs over the edge. The whole town was visible, bathed in red light. It looked as empty as it had seemed in the streets. He wondered if the town was to be filled with people, what they would be like. It made him itch.

“We really fucked up,” Axel said. The gentle wind made his voice seem washed out. 

“I'm sorry,” Saïx said. It was automatic. His voice was flat. Axel brought his legs to his chest. It looked like he was roosting. 

“You could sit down, y’know,” Axel said.

“I’m fine,” Saïx said. He shivered.

“Could I have that?” Axel turned and put his hand out. 

“What?”

“The stick,” Axel said. Saïx reached to hand it to him. 

Really, they should have remembered the inevitability of someone coming to look for them. They should have remembered their ties to the Organization. The corridor opening made Saïx jerk, dropping the stick. He and Axel turned. Vexen stepped out of the corridor looking like he hadn’t slept in days. He always looked like this, sunken eyes, a face that was more seran-wrapped bone than anything resembling flesh. 

“This should have only taken an hour,” he said.

“We were being thorough,” Axel replied. He looked to Saïx, giving him that ‘let’s push this guy until he breaks’ look. 

“Do  _ not _ test my patience,” Vexen warned. “We’re going back to the Castle. Now. I have more work to do. Someone else can deal with you.”

“Are you just here to bring us back?” Saïx said, almost flirting. He pouted his lips and leaned forward. “You don’t even get the pleasure of punishing us yourself?”

Vexen’s eye twitched.

Axel had swiveled to face them. Saïx joined him on the ledge, instead swinging his own legs over and dangling them over Twilight Town.

“I’m not going to waste my energy  _ dragging _ you back,” Vexen said. “I’ll just push and tell the Superior you jumped.”

Axel scoffed and turned his head to look over the town. Saïx did the same, relishing in the breeze in his hair. And mid-breath he felt a boot on his back, a lurch, the sight of his shoes as he bent forward then only the blinding red light of the sunset.

The moment happened all at once, the rest of his breath coming in ragged, some noise coming out of his throat and shaking his chest. He was suspended in the air. So he thought about Lea. The sunset was more orange than his hair was. People would say that Lea’s hair was orange constantly, it always annoyed him. He’d correct them, it’s red, and they’d fight but no one knew Lea the way Isa did, no one ever would. Lea smiling, crouching to toss his frisbee…

All at once the slowed time coalesced into falling, then stopping and pain blossoming on his left side. He heard a pop. He wasn’t breathing. Axel had caught him. Axel started to lift but stopped suddenly shuffling to get a better foothold. 

“You gotta help out,” Axel said.

Saïx couldn’t hear him over the blood rushing in his ears. But it came instinctively to get his hand on the ledge and pull himself over, rolling off to lay on his side on solid ground. He whined, pain blinding him. 

Vexen stood over him. “Did you not believe me?”

Saïx couldn’t answer. That had happened so fast. He tried to remember what it felt without this agony but he couldn’t push past it. His muscles were iron, refusing to bend. Gravity pulled his chest down, making it almost impossible to expand his lungs and get a proper breath in.

“We’ll go,” Axel said. “We’ll go back.” 

Axel moved to help Saïx up but Vexen shoved him aside. He grabbed Saïx by the aching arm, making him scream. It didn’t  _ feel  _ like a scream, more of a tear in his throat, feral panic he could no longer contain.

“Count your blessings that I’m here,” Vexen said. He dropped Saïx’s arm. Saïx was sobbing. He didn’t remember the moment he started crying but he knew then that he felt shame, suddenly, so aware of how childish he sounded.

“It hurts,” he said, trying to explain the situation and make it right. His voice came out small and did the opposite of what he intended. 

Vexen’s strong grip was something to focus on, a pinch compared to the pain in his shoulder, but something. He tripped on his feet, being dragged through the corridor into the lobby of the Castle. The sudden change in scenery was overwhelming, Saïx felt nauseous. Vexen threw him onto the couch.

Saïx whined, wiping tears from his face. He was hiccuping, still struggling to breathe.Vexen tugged on his arm, bending his elbow, flexing his fingers.

“Shut  _ up _ ,” he said. “Your shoulder is only dislocated.”

Axel followed, the corridor closed behind him. He was wringing his hands, trying to reach out to help. Vexen slapped his hand away.

“Hey!” Axel shouted. “Let me do something!”

“Fine,” Vexen shouted back. “Go get me a fucking potion or something.”

Axel pressed his lips together, determined, and nodded. He started to dash off but skipped to a stop. “Wait. Where?”

Vexen stood, his teeth grit with frustration. He pointed a finger at Saïx. “Don’t go  _ anywhere _ .” He turned on his heel and marched down the hall, Axel following closely.

Saïx watched them until they turned a corner and he lost sight of them. He rolled his head and let his eyes fall closed. The castle was so quiet. Back home he was always able to hear someone outside, he tried to avoid the quiet parts of town. The silence of Twilight Town had driven him crazy. How was he going to make it here when his breath echoed so clearly in his mind, loud enough to even drown out his own thoughts?

Behind him, he heard the hush of a corridor open, footsteps emerging onto the stone floor. He felt a presence, familiar but he couldn’t place it. Maybe someone returning from a mission. Saïx closed his eyes, they ached from crying. It was quiet for a while. The person standing behind the couch walked. Saïx expected to hear him leave down the hall but instead he walked around the couch to stand in front of him.

“The pain is so sharp because it is all you feel now,” Xemnas said. Saïx tensed, squeezed his eyes shut so he could avoid facing the Superior. He ached. “Let me help you. Take your shirt off.”

Saïx couldn’t steer clear of this. He looked up and met Xemnas’s eyes. Xemnas had soft features, soft skin and plush lips. His eyes were empty. His expression was unreadable. Saïx had through of arguing but after seeing Xemnas clearly he knew there was no point. He struggled to get his shirt off with one good arm, trying not to hurt himself worse in the process. Xemnas stood and watched.

“I’m going to set your shoulder,” he said. “Lay on your back.” 

Saïx shook his head, searching desperately for the words to argue with.

“Vexen,” he managed. “He’ll be here.”

“I’m capable,” Xemnas assured him. He stepped forward and put his hand on Saïx’s chest, where his heart had been, and helped him drop down to lay on his back, his left arm hanging painfully over the side of the couch. At this point, he didn’t bother trying to move it.

Xemnas put his hands around Saïx’s bicep, for a moment it seemed like he was being felt up, but then Xemnas braced a foot on the couch and pulled on Saïx’s arm until his shoulder clicked back into place. There was a moment of sickening agony, then relief. Saïx could breathe again.

“Why did you cry?” Xemnas asked. He rested his face in one of his hands, like he was thinking. Nothing else about him indicated any kind of interest. 

Saïx flapped his jaw. He knew he was being tested. “Because I was in pain?” A question, he sought approval.

“You’re not a child,” Xemnas replied. Try again.

“Then I guess I don’t know, sir.” Saïx had an overwhelming feeling that he’d failed.

“You were looking for attention.” He could tell from Xemnas’s tone that he had. “This is what you are used to doing. You seek comfort that you have no way of obtaining.”

Saïx shook his head. “That’s not… No, that’s not it.”

“You will find that you will get what you want faster if you don’t exhaust yourself pretending to be a person.” Xemnas brushed something aside when he said that, maybe the concept of humanity itself. 

Axel came clamoring back into the lobby, waving a vial in front of him. He almost tripped over himself trying to stop suddenly when he saw Xemnas. He stood still, unsure of how to approach. Xemnas stepped back and gestured to Saïx, who was pulling himself back into a sitting position.

“Don’t let me get in the way,” Xemnas said, as if he knew how ironic the statement was coming from himself.

Axel was cautious when he walked the last few feet between him and the couch. Saïx moved over, giving room for Axel to sit. He reached around and pressed a palm onto Saïx’s shoulder.

“That’s some nasty bruising,” he sighed. “Hey, you need to drink that.”

Saïx popped the cap off the potion, it fell and rolled across the room. It was strong, like mint, it burned going down. Axel brushed his fingers over the scabbed over scratches on Saïx’s sides. Already, the pain was fading to a magic-induced buzzing.

“Aw,” Axel whined. “Babe…”

For some reason he couldn’t understand, Saïx looked to Xemnas on how to react. Xemnas quirked an eyebrow, as if surprised Axel was still using terms of endearment. Saïx found he didn’t have anything to say, he knew this was part of the test.

Vexen strolled back, then. He was taking his time, he obviously didn’t care about getting back to help Saïx. He made a start when he saw Xemnas, quickening his pace.

“Remember what I told you,” Xemnas said. He turned on his heel and vanished into a corridor.

“Hey!” Vexen shouted. Xemnas was already gone. “God  _ damn  _ it.” 

Axel hadn’t taken his hands off Saïx. “What was he even doing here?”

“He set my shoulder,” Saïx said. “I don’t know what he wanted.”

Vexen hummed. “Then you have no use for me. Keep it immobile. If it begins to hurt again… I don’t care. Find a potion. It should heal quickly if you medicate yourself properly.” He looked them over one more time before he left.

“Hey,” Axel said, prodding Saïx gently in the side. “You really aren’t adjusting well, huh?”

“I ache,” Saïx admitted. “I want to go back to sleep.”

Axel leaned forward to kiss Saïx’s lips. His mouth was sticky. “I could help you sleep. You know, back in bed.” He kissed Saïx again, more forcefully. Saïx opened his mouth and kissed back. 

“Yeah,” he said. He felt something close to a genuine smile creeping onto his lips, the first since he woke up in the Castle. He stood with Axel, trying not to break the kiss. Axel walked backwards, leading Saïx to his room. They ducked inside, finally breaking apart. 

“You aren’t going to push me off this time, right?” Axel was teasing, he trailed his fingers down Saïx’s chest. 

Saïx was disappointed to see how similar their rooms were. The only color was the brown box of matches on the floor. This place was so washed out, it even made Axel’s bright colors seem faded and grey.

“No,” he said. He didn’t take his eyes away from the box of matches, even when he saw Axel moving in his peripheral. Axel tugged on Saïx’s ear, guiding his face back to kiss him again.

“Sit down,” Axel said. “I’ll try to be careful.”

Saïx couldn’t tell what he wanted. He could see what Axel wanted as he dropped his pants and took his shirt off, stretching as he did. Saïx decided to sit, move back until his back hit the headboard. He watched Axel crawl after him, coming to settle with his legs on either side of Saïx’s. Everything he was doing was provocative. Axel brushed hair out of Saïx’s face. Saïx felt his cock twitch. 

“Do you think you’re going to grow it out?” Axel asked. 

Saïx shrugged then winced at the pain from his shoulder, the ache the potion couldn’t cover up. Axel sucked in air through his teeth. His face was screwed up with worry.

“Are you okay?” he asked. “Are you going to be okay?”

“I’m fine,” he said. He put a hand on the back of Axel’s head, pulled him close to kiss him. The other rested on his side, trailing fingertips up and down it, feeling Axel’s skin against his. Axel seemed to take his word for it, kissing back enthusiastically and rocking his hips against Saïx’s. Saïx hadn’t realized how hard Axel had gotten, how hard his own cock was. 

Saïx kissed along Axel’s jaw, moved his hand down to cup Axel’s ass. It was bony, most of Axel was. Sharp elbows and shoulder, sharp chin, plenty of his body was perfect to jab you with. What he could do with it really made up for it, though, which is why Saïx was holding his ass anyway. 

Axel whimpered.

“Touch me,” he said, grinning. Saïx moved his mouth to Axel’s neck, kissing it. He started to suck and moved his hand from Axel’s ass to wrap his hand around Axel’s cock through his boxers. 

“Wait,” Axel said. He pulled away for a moment, enough to wiggle his boxers down off his hips, pull them most of the way off before he sat back down on Saïx’s lap. Saïx saw Axel’s boxers hanging from one of his ankle over his shoulder. 

Saïx didn’t wait for Axel to settle back in, just spit on his hand and grabbed Axel’s cock. He started rough, knowing Axel liked it that way. The response was immediate, Axel’s eyes fluttering closed, his head rolled back, his hips bucked. He made a noise like he was going to cry.

“You’re pent up,” Saïx observed. He started to slow, making Axel whine. He opened his eyes and struggled to keep eye contact. Axel’s eyes seemed alive in a way Saïx couldn’t understand. He could see the arousal but behind that, a passion he didn’t feel. Getting Axel off was nice because it got himself off, Saïx realized. Had he always been this selfish during sex?

Axel said, “Uh-huh.” He caught Saïx’s mouth in his and desperately sucked on Saïx’s lips. Saïx responded Axel by biting back, making Axel rock his hips and moan. Saïx was becoming aware of an ache between his legs. He reached down to unzip his pants, giving himself room, then went back to Axel.

“I’ve been so horny,” Axel explained. “I just kept jacking off and it wasn’t enough. I’ve been thinking, there’s no feelings so sex is just…” He was starting to trail off. “It’s good.”

“Looks like you still know how to run your mouth,” Saïx teased. He sped up again, seeing the way Axel was tensing. Axel pouted but only managed to keep the expression for a second before it dissolved into a slack-jawed look of pleasure. “You’re insatiable.”

Axel nodded and Saïx kissed him. Axel’s lips were wet. He opened his mouth willingly, leading to him sucking on Saïx’s tongue while he started to jerk his hips. The only noise was their wet kissing, Axel’s moans and whimpers, Saïx’s hand sliding on Axel’s cock. Axel started moving in a counter movement.

“Isa,” he groaned, cumming onto Saïx’s hand. “Oh,  _ Isa _ .” His hands were digging tight into Saïx’s shoulders. The name and the pain were enough to pull Saïx back into the reality of what he was doing. He stopped moving his hand, letting Axel squirm through the end of his orgasm. Saïx’s fingers were sticky, now. It felt disgusting.

“Huh,” Saïx said, feeling like he was expected to say something. Axel giggled and nuzzled his head into the crook of Saïx’s neck.

“That was nice,” he said. “I was trying to explain this but listen. It sounds crazy but sex is better as a Nobody.”

Saïx stared.

“It’s… hmm. I guess, because we don’t have a heart, all we feel is our body,” he went on. “There’s no shame or potential regret just all the good stuff.”

Saïx was starting to feel sick. He looked at his hand, Axel’s semen shining under the bright castle lights. This was what Xemnas was trying to explain, coming from Axel’s mouth. Saïx spread his fingers, the semen stringy between them. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Axel asked. He got off Saïx’s lap and curled up next to him. He discretely placed his hand on Saïx’s thigh, rubbing circles with his thumb.

“I told you, I’m fine,” Saïx said. 

Axel made a face, he probably didn’t believe Saïx. He took Saïx’s wrist and guided his mouth to his lips, sucking his fingers in. He licked them clean. Saïx was so aware of Axel’s tongue on his skin, how it would feel on his chest, his thighs, his cock. He thought about it, Axel’s head between his legs. But the longer he thought the more Axel started to look like Xemnas, deep voice echoing in his head. In his mind, Saïx saw Xemnas’s eyes. Golden. Empty.

Axel had stopped moving. He cocked his head to the side, listening for something. The look of realization had just crossed his face when the door open. Axel scrambled for his boxers, falling over Saïx in the process. 

Xigbar stood in the doorway, Saïx’s shirt balled in his hands. He said, “What the fuck? We can’t leave you little shits alone for a goddamn second, can we?”He sounded disgusted but he wasn’t making any move to block the sight out. The opposite really, he was eating Saïx up, looking over his bare chest, down to his still visible erection between his legs. Maybe Saïx was afraid but the hungry look in Xigbar’s eyes still made his stomach lurch, made him aware of heat spreading to his dick.

“You two are useless,” Xigbar went on. “If the boss hadn’t said to leave you alone I’d give you what’s coming.”

“Why did he say that?” Saïx asked. He hadn’t done anything to cover himself but Axel was struggling to get dressed next to him. 

Xigbar walked forward and held out Saïx’s shirt to him. Saïx hesitated, then reached to take it. For a moment, their skin touched.

“He’s got plans for you, kiddo,” Xigbar said. Saïx knew that was only referring to him. He noticed the box of matches and bent to pick them up, shaking the box and making the matches rattle inside. “You aren’t allowed to have personal items.”

“Xaldin gave them to me,” Axel argued. “So I’d stop fidgeting. Besides  _ he _ gets to have cigarettes.”

“He is  _ also _ one of the Apprentices while you are two rats we found on the street,” Xigbar countered. Still, he dropped the matches on the bed. “Whatever. I’m sending you two out again tomorrow. This time, do it right.” He turned to leave.

“But I’m injured,” Saïx called after him. Xigbar only stopped in the door to give him a warning glare. Saïx got the message. The door shut behind Xigbar.

Axel sagged. “That was fucking humiliating.” He was obviously trying to joke about it. Axel’s eyes dropped. “Wait, are you still…?”

“It’ll go down,” Saïx said. “If you tried to get me off I’m sure I’d just think about him.” He wasn’t sure if he was referring to Xigbar, just the look and the small touch, or Xemnas, his hands on Saïx’s chest. Either way, Axel nodded understandingly.

“I hate this,” he said.

Saïx couldn’t agree. He didn’t like it. But he couldn’t bring himself to hate it. “I should rest.”

“You could stay here,” Axel offered. Saïx put his shirt back on. It was tight on him. Usually, Saïx wasn’t very conscious of his body but, looking down, he could see the way it clung to his chest and made him look thicker and stronger than he actually was.

Axel curled up next to him, throwing his legs over Saïx’s. The contact made Saïx itch. Axel reached over to grab the match box, lighting one and holding it over one of the pillows. Saïx felt like he was suffocating as the room started to smell like smoke.


	3. II

When Axel woke up, Saïx was having nightmares. His face was covered in sweat and he thrashed, clawing at Axel’s back. He breathed heavily. Axel wasn’t sure what to do at first. If he woke Saïx up, he might remember the nightmare. But Saïx was hurting and, even if he didn’t feel it anymore, Axel knew that he had to do something.

“I won’t,” Saïx gasped. Axel wiggled, trying to get away from Saïx’s nails in his back. It didn’t work. “I won’t, I won’t.”

“Won’t what, hon?” Axel asked. He shook Saïx’s shoulder gently. Waking him up seemed best. Saïx calmed his body but didn’t seem to wake up any. Axel rubbed his side and shushed him. He watched Saïx’s breathing steady and his face relax. Curious, he asked again. “You won’t what?”

“Wash your fucking feet,” Saïx breathed. He sighed and pushed Axel away, then turned over and pulled the comforter over himself.

Axel almost burst out laughing. He wheezed and bit the back of his hand to stop the noise. The nightmare must be over now. He said, “What kind of dreams are you having, man?”

He propped himself up on his elbow and watched Saïx sleep for a while. Saïx’s hair looked gray from the light under the door. His lips were parted slightly. He snored every once in awhile. Axel didn’t want to pull the comforter back, Saïx had always been a fucking blanket hog and he knew it’d just get snatched back. He got bored after a bit, he knew he couldn’t sleep anymore. 

“See ya in the morning,” Axel whispered and pressed a kiss to Saïx’s ear. Saïx mumbled something and Axel chuckled at it. “Love you too.”

He could feel the cold floor through his socks when he got out of bed. He held himself, fuck it was cold. But damned if he was going to put a shirt on. He grabbed the box of matches and headed out. He’d only really seen the lobby and the brief stretch of hallway between his and Saïx’s room. Time for some exploring.

He walked down the hall to Saïx’s room, then past it. Unexplored territory. It was giving him goosebumps. Or maybe that was just the cold. His footsteps were silent. The next room wasn’t far off. He assumed it went backwards in order. Zexion would be there. Axel saw a light on under the door. That was something to come back to.

Beyond that was Lexaeus’s room, Axel could hear him snoring. Vexen’s room was quiet. Then Xaldin’s room. Axel could hear noise coming from in there. Oh boy. He crept forward and pressed the ear to the door. Vexen’s voice? The two of them were talking quietly. Vexen was speaking, mostly. On and on about something. He sounded turned on but he couldn’t tell if they were fucking or not. Then Axel heard his name. 

He listened closer, leaning his whole body onto the door. It creaked and the speaking stopped. He swallowed and stayed completely still. The door stayed closed and the men inside continued speaking, the change in tone and subject obvious. No gossip here, then.

Axel kept walking. There was one last, silent door, then the hallway had looped back around to the lobby. Xemnas was shacking up somewhere else, then. Maybe there was something beyond that point Axel wasn’t meant to see. He poked his head out into the empty room and sighed. He’ll find out what it is someday. For now, he made his way back to Zexion’s room and knocked.

It took a moment, but Zexion answered. He was still wearing his robe. “What do you want?”

“Hey, do you wanna hang out?” Axel said. “I was wondering if you could teach me some, y’know, magic or something. I don’t have that many, eh,” Axel made air quotes with his fingers “‘skills’.”

“I know,” Zexion said.

Axel was put off by that. He needed to get used to this kind of behavior, all these weirdos were even more standoffish than before. 

“Well,” Axel went on. “I mean, I think the  _ Superior  _ is still deciding if he wants me around or not and I personally want to stick around. So if I could get some skills, maybe that’d help my case.”

Zexion looked Axel over. “I’ll teach you if you shut up,” he said finally.

“Sweet,” Axel said. He made a move to enter Zexion’s room but Zexion stopped him. 

“No. In the lobby. I'll see you there.” 

“Oh,” Axel said, the door closing in his face. He made a quick decision that this would usually make him feel rejected, so he sighed loudly and turned for the lobby.

On his way, he hesitated outside of his room. He could check on Saïx. But he remembered the way Saïx sounded when he was writhing in agony on the couch, how disgusting his crying face had looked. And Axel thought it was probably best to let him sleep. He did still press his ear to the door, just to be sure. He could hear Saïx snoring. Was that charming? Should he like that? Axel smiled, but dropped the expression almost immediately. 

“What are you doing? No one's watching,” he said to himself. He pulled away from the door, made his way to the eternally lit lobby. 

He knew that he hated the couches. The fabric was rough and the cushions were too thin to sit comfortably on. He could always feel the wood frame sag beneath him when he tried to sit. It was intentional, he knew that. Xemnas didn't want anyone to get too comfortable. The constant wariness wore them down. 

Axel sat on the floor between one of the tables and a couch. The matchbox was tucked away in his palm. He let it drop onto the floor. The sound wasn't as satisfying as he'd expected it to be. He leaned back onto the couch and picked the box up, lighting a match. He held it until his fingers stung, then flicked it and put the flame out. The burnt match dropped onto the table. The couch cushions scratched what part of his back and shoulders were bare.

Zexion was fully clothed when he came to join Axel, gloves and boots and inconvenient thick cloak. He pulled the table aside and sat on the floor next to Axel. Axel pulled his legs to his chest and frowned.

“You're making me feel underdressed, man,” he said.

“If you actually wore clothes you wouldn't feel that way,” Zexion replied smoothly.

“What? And make you guys miss out on all this?” Axel gestured to himself, spreading his legs just enough to let Zexion know it was flirtatious. Zexion looked disgusted. Axel mumbled, “You could pretend to laugh, y’know.”

“Don't you get tired?” Zexion asked.

Axel felt like his tongue was too heavy to move, his lips sewn together. He pulled his legs to his chest and looked away. Zexion made a noise, a scoff maybe. He picked up the box of matches and held it up between his fingers.

“You like fire?” he asked.

Axel perked up. “Hell yeah.”

“Make it your specialty,” Zexion said. “I'll teach you some spells. Practice and I'll teach you more.” 

Axel nodded. “Fire spells, right?”

Zexion ignored the question. He snapped. Fire surrounded his fingertips. Axel leaned forward. The fire grew. He leaned forward still, until he could feel the heat on his face. 

“Cool,” he said. “How do I do that?”

“Hm,” Zexion said. He shook the flame off. He took Axel’s hands in his own and inspected them. “You seem fit. Do what feels natural, magic is mostly instinctual.”

Axel rolled his eyes. Zexion probably couldn't even explain it. Axel.hoped he wasn't wasting his time. So he tried it. Nothing. Once more. This time there was a spark.

“Aw, man,” he said.

Zexion pushed his hair out of his eyes. It fell right back into place. “Try again.” He almost sounded impressed.

Axel focussed. He had felt the spark in his fingertips. He snapped again and the flame caught.

Magic was something kids who went to school and had supportive parents did, not anyone like Lea. He never bothered to learn because that meant he'd have to go to the library and frankly he would have rather died. Looked like he had a knack for it, though. He couldn't wait to show Saïx  .

A sharp pain in Axel’s fingers. He panicked and jumped back, the flame going out in the process. His fingertip was shining red. God damn it, the burn from a few days ago had barely healed.

“Try wearing gloves,” Zexion said. Flame engulfed his whole hand. He gathered it into a sparking, almost solid orb. He jokingly went to throw it at Axel. Axel flinched, waiting for the blow. When he realized Zexion was faking, he leaned forward.

“That wasn't funny,” he said, his face inches from Zexion’s. 

Their eyes locked. Axel was terrified of the emptiness inside. Someone had hollowed Zexion out, taken something that no one should even be able to reach. That'd happened to Axel too, hadn't it? He was hollow inside. He wondered if he looked that way. 

Suddenly, Zexion laughed. The noise startled Axel. He breathed out. Zexion’s laugh was cruel, a diversion tactic. If he'd hit Axel he would've laughed the same way. Axel realized he was so tense he was having trouble getting a breath in.

“I'll sit with you while you practice, “ Zexion said. 

“Oh, yeah. Could I get my gloves?” Axel was already running off down the hall by the time Zexion replied.

He slid to a stop, grabbing onto his doorway to stop himself. The door opened. Saïx was still in bed. Axel crept in. His clothes were on the floor, he grabbed the pile and went for the door again.

“Axel?” Saïx said. He sat up and rubbed his eyes blearily.

“Yep, that's me,” Axel said.

Saïx sighed and tried to roll his shoulder. He grimaced. “What time is it?”

“Uhhhh,” Axel said. “I dunno. Early. Looks like it's only me and Zexion up.”

Saïx blinked. “I had all these dreams. I could have sworn they were real.”

“What about?”

Saïx hesitated. “I don’t know. It’s nothing.”

“You sure?”

Saïx nodded. Axel could tell it was still bothering him. He shifted back and forth on his feet, feeling the texture of the cloak in his hands. Saïx was cute like this. His hair was messy and he looked dazed, Axel could almost pretend they were back in his room in Radiant Garden.

“Wait,” he said. “Wait, fuck. Zexion’s out there.”

“What?”

Axel left without an explanation. He put his gloves on while he walked, then the cloak. He hadn’t realized how cold he was until the heavy fabric was trapping his body heat. Zexion was reading when Axel returned. Some paperback with a water stained cover.

“No personal items,” Axel said in some ridiculous impression of Xigbar. He sat down next to Zexion, careful not to fall and bruise his ass. “Where’d you even get that?”

“I found it,” Zexion said. “Just practice. You’ll be sent out eventually. Try to get  _ something _ done before then.”

Axel rolled his eyes. He started up again, snap, spark, flickering flame. Every time he managed to catch the flame he felt so proud. He could hold it longer while wearing the gloves. He managed to hold it for a whole minute after a while. It took focus. When his mind wandered, the flame snuffed out in a tendril of grey smoke.

But a whole minute. Damn. That was impressive. For Axel, being able to do anything for a solid minute was impressive. Even thought of Saïx  ’s excited face, the pride he’d have for Axel, faded away into the way the fingers of his gloves were heating up enough to sting, but not to burn. He had control. What a weird feeling. Control over something.

Except for Lexaeus coming though to say something to Zexion and kick Axel in the side to get his attention, Axel was completely absorbed in spell casting. Lexaeus said something before he left, like, “You’re so scrawny, what can I even do with you?” Axel hadn’t heard it clearly, he was too surprised by hearing the man speak at all.

Zexion left after being sure Axel wasn’t going to hurt himself. Saïx replaced him, dropped himself hard onto the couch. He brought the smell of warm cinnamon with him. Finally, Axel let the flame go out for good. He looked up at Saïx. He was holding a thermos in his lap. He looked half asleep, his eyes half closed and rimmed with red.

“Doin’ good?” Axel asked. He rested his head on Saïx’s leg. Saïx put his hand on the nape of Axel’s neck. The warmth of his skin was a reminder that Saïx was still alive. His body, at least.

“I’m okay,” Saïx said. He rubbed his thumb in small circles. “I’m good.”

Axel took a while to describe the touch to himself. The touch was comforting, like ‘it’ll be okay’ and gentle like ‘I won’t hurt you’ and intimate like ‘I could strangle you to death without a second thought right now but I won’t’. None of that exactly fit.

“Xigbar said we’re going back to Twilight Town,” Saïx said. “To do it right.”

Axel realized what it was. The touch was tender, like ’I’m sorry’ and scared, like ‘How could this have happened?’.

“Yeah,” Axel said.

“We need to do what he says.”

Axel hummed. “I guess.”

Saïx removed his hand. “He gave me oatmeal.”

“Is that what this is?” Axel grabbed the thermos from between Saïx’s legs. Sweet steam stickied his face when he opened it. That’s what smelled so sweet. “Gross.”

“It’s what we have,” Saïx said.

“We could get something in…” Axel trailed off. It was obvious how uncomfortable Saïx was with the idea. Right. He wasn’t the one who’d got thrown off a building yesterday. 

The boys sat in silence until Xaldin came through the lobby and squinted at them. He opened a corridor and said, “It would be best if you left before someone else sees you slacking.” It was obvious who he meant and that pissed Axel off. He stood, going to shout something about how neither of them knew how to open corridors, it wasn’t their fault no one was fucking helping them out, but Saïx grabbed him and dragged him through.

Twilight Town smelled like baking today. Pies and pastries and cookies. Maybe they’d stepped through near a bakery or a cafe. Axel’s stomach growled. Saïx was still clutching the thermos tight to his chest, a scared child keeping a teddy bear close. He caught Axel looking at it.

“Do you want this?” he asked. He held it out. 

Axel took it excitedly and opened it. The steam washed over his face, fuck that was nice. Axel noticed Saïx reaching into his pocket to pull out a spoon but he was already tipping the thermos back to drink it. It was like syrup, still just a bit too hot for comfort. It was actually overly sweet, like Xigbar just dumped as much sugar into it as would fit into the container. Actually, that’s probably exactly what it was.

“I hope Xigbar’s cooking isn’t all we’ll have to eat,” Axel said. He wiped his mouth. Saïx was down the alley, walking with purpose towards something. Axel had a second part to the quip but he capped the thermos and followed after.

“What are you even doing?”

“I don't know,” Saïx said. “I got the... This.” Saïx held out a piece of paper and Axel took it. There was some kind of list on it but the handwriting was too messy for him to make out.

“I can't read, man, I never went to school,” Axel said.

“Neither did I, but I seem to be doing fine,” Saïx replied. He snatched the paper back. Axel couldn't tell if he was angry or not. There wasn't anything to indicate he was annoyed, but nothing that showed he was joking either. Maybe Axel just couldn't tell anymore.

Axel followed Saïx for a while. He was moving fine, didn't seem to be in any pain. He had a pen and stopped every once in awhile to jot something down but didn't speak at all. Axel finished the oatmeal on his own. He was worried about Saïx, as much as he could worry. Saïx only took up as much space as his body did in the world, as opposed to Axel who filled the room with his energy. Axel was so worried about Saïx becoming smaller than his body.

When Axel got too bored of running ahead and waiting for Saïx, climbing up on top of things to show off, kicking over trash cans, badgering Saïx for any sort of clue as to what he was writing about, he decided to go off and get ice cream again. He knew if he ate it too much he'd get sick of it but he hadn't been able to stop thinking about it since this morning. It was the only good thing about his time in the Organization so far. The sticks were still in his pocket.

“Hey, I'll be right back,” Axel said. He skipped forward to press a kiss to Saïx's cheek. Before he could leave, Saïx grabbed him by the arm.

“Don't go,” he said. Axel could see the emotion there. He wished he could know what it was. “I want to get this over with.”

“I'm not even helping,” Axel whined. Saïx's grip tightened. Oh. Axel understood. This was the same touch as the one on the back of his neck back at the Castle. “But I can stay. Don't worry.”

Saïx nodded. Axel kissed him on the cheek again. After that, Saïx stopped touching him and kept his distance again.

It went by quick. Axel hadn't even counted half the bricks on the building adjacent to the one he was leaning one before Saïx folded the paper ad stuffed it back into his pocket.

“If we go back to where the corridor was, we should be able to return to the castle,” Saïx said. 

Axel frowned and crossed his arms. “Can't we just have a few minutes to ourselves? I want to go to the clocktower again.”

Saïx looked like he was going to vomit. “Look, Axel, I…”

“Cmon!” Axel said. He took Saïx by the hand and tugged. “Just for a minute. It'll be fine, I promise.”

Saïx nodded. He hesitated and slowly, hesitantly, like he was scared Axel’s skin was going to injure him, he kissed him firmly on the lips.

Oh, fuck yes. Axel kissed back, remembering what this kiss used to lead to. He was surprised at how Saïx opened his mouth and put his hands on Axel’s hips. They stumbled back a few steps until Axel was pressed against the wall. 

“Oh,” Axel said between kisses. “So now you're up for it?”

Saïx didn't respond at all, but moved to Axel’s neck. Axel rolled his head to the side and gripped Saïx’s cloak. He wasn't sure how to tell Saïx he wanted it, maybe because he wasn't really sure if he did. The feeling was completely overwhelming, like sex while they were stoned. Just their bodies and them, alone in the world. The difference was that this was only feeling. He was in love with Isa, he didn't feel anything for Saïx. He didn't feel anything.

Saïx had stopped kissing him. He was breathing hard and resting his head on the wall next to Axel’s ear. 

“Maybe not?” Axel said. The feeling was fading, the beautiful tingling and sparking of Saïx being replaced with the distant ache Axel wasn't used to yet. “What? You can't speak anymore.”

“It feels wrong,” Saïx said. 

Axel put his hands on Saïx’s chest and shoved him away. “Just forget it. I'll stop trying.”

“Axel,” Saïx said. “I still… I don't… Don't go.”

Axel bristled at the sound of his name. What a fucking awful reminder of what he'd turned into. He didn't even have a name he recognized.

“I just want to fuck you,” Axel said. “It's not a big deal, don't make it weird.”

“I'm sorry,” Saïx said. His voice was uncertain, he wasn't sure what he was supposed to say.

“Let's just go back, like you said.” Axel turned back the way they came. He waited until he heard Saïx coming with until he started walking. All of this was how he knew he would get attention. He was disappointed, maybe, that he was being jacked off in broad daylight, but the despair didn't overwhelm him. 

“I'm settling,” Saïx said. “That's all.”

“I said it's fine.”

“But you're acting like you aren't.”

Axel stopped suddenly. Saïx tripped, trying not to run into him. 

“It’s just  _ sex _ ,” Axel said. He turned to look at Saïx. His hands were in his pockets. He frowned. 

“It feels wrong,” was the only justification Saïx could offer.

“How about it’s the only thing I can feel,” Axel shouted. The words echoed back at him. “I don’t know what the hell is going on in your head but in mine, that’s pretty much all I have left.... And you. I guess.” He paused. Was this sort of manipulation going to get what he wanted? When he was Lea, he always knew what he was doing when he started appealing to their relationship like this. But now, he wasn’t sure if it was going to do anything. Especially not if Saïx was as numb as he made himself out to be. “I want you so bad but”

“Axel...” Saïx said.

Axel put his head in his hands. “This is so fucking stupid. Don’t you want to be with me? I thought we agreed we’d try to stay together?”

“I don’t know,” Saïx said.

“Of course you don’t,” Axel mumbled. 

Saïx went still. Fighting was easy for both of them. It was something they used to do when they were human, one of the only acts of intimacy they shared with each other. All anxiety and distance Saïx had been putting off was replaced with defensive aggression. 

“What does  _ that _ mean?” 

“You’ve been so spacey,” Axel said. Saïx balled his fists and leaned forward. Axel stumbled backward, trying to get out of reach, but he kept going. “Just get over it! I don’t have it any easier than you!”

Saïx grabbed the front of Axel’s clothes and dragged him in close. He growled, “How do you know what I’m feeling?”

Axel scoffed in his face. “Oh, you’re feeling now?”

Saïx shook Axel and brought his hand to Axel’s neck, placing it so that he was going to choke him. But he dropped the posture, dropped Axel, dropped the mock rage. “Fuck you,” he spit. It was an end to the argument, an insult rather than anything with substance. 

Saïx turned to leave and Axel let him. When Saïx was out of sight, Axel abruptly turned and punched the wall behind him. It hurt, like the brick had torn through the glove and bloodied his knuckles. When he looked, the glove was undamaged. Maybe he’d bruise, at least.

“Fuck you too!” Axel screamed, hoping Saïx would hear it. At least now he’d gotten the last word. If he were human, he’d stay and punch the walls. He’d punch and cry and scream the air burnt raw skin on his knuckles and his wrists felt like they were broken. He didn’t have the feelings bogging him down anymore, he knew that wouldn’t be productive.

So he went to the clocktower. It was logical. He didn’t want to go back to the Castle but he knew it would be good to stay somewhere the Organization could find him for when they came for him. The clocktower was somewhere he felt in control. It was isolated. Peaceful, almost.

He sat on the windy side. His hair was pushed back by the force of it. When he went to sit,something snapped in his pocket. He fished it out, the ice cream sticks from yesterday. He ran his thumb over the flat surface until it was met with splinters. He took one glove off and with the other, snapped and lit a flame.

It was immediately put out by the wind. He tried harder, watched it flicker until finally it ignited and stayed lit. When he managed to make it steady, it was like a pressure had been released and everything built was let out with a calming breath. He held the sticks to it and set them on the ground to burn. He kept lighting them until there was only a small bit of blackened wood left. He used it to draw a dick on the ground.

It was Zexion who came. He had walked up the stairs instead of using a corridor to get to the top. He stood waiting until Axel noticed him. Axel knew what he was doing and ignored him. Zexion wasn’t going to move and Axel knew they would be there all night if he didn’t do anything. So he looked at Zexion out of the corner of his eye and Zexion came to look down at him.

“I didn’t expect you to be clever enough to pick a challenging environment to quicken your progress,” he said. “I’m impressed.”

Axel took a moment to catch on. He said, “Uh, yeah.” Then, when he realized that Zexion meant the strain he had when he tried to light the first flame, he said, “Oh! Yeah, thanks.”

Zexion looked out over the town. “This is a beautiful view.” He turned and held a hand up. “Watch me.”

It was the snap then some waving gesture and the fire in Zexion’s hand was almost solid, the size of a plum. Axel nodded. He tried to mimic it and failed. He tried again. And again. And again. Zexion grabbed Axel’s wrist. He looked Axel over and nodded to himself. With his hands he pushed Axel’s hand back, then tugged it through the motion. 

“Do it now,” he said.

Now that Axel had that for reference, he did it. Too slow, maybe. Zexion was starting to look frustrated. Then it caught. It happened before Axel expected it to, it made him trip up but he managed to catch it before it completely went out. He was holding solid heat in his hand. 

“Good,” Zexion said. “You must return to the castle with me. You can practice further when we get there.”

Axel squeezed the ball until it dissipated into a column of smoke. His palm was sweating. He followed Zexion down the clock tower. Partway down it occurred to him that Zexion might want something from him for this. Then he thought about how the spell had felt to cast and the worry was washed away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided that Axel had to have a POV in the story otherwise it was just Saix grief porn. There was a lot of rewriting of the plot. So. And a good excuse to write porn later on because I am a repressed gay boy and this is one of the only ways I can express myself. Also another note to comment because I live for that :)


	4. III

A few days passed. Saïx was sent to Twilight Town to take more notes, construct maps, whatever. Saïx was allowed to sleep in but Axel was woken up early and dragged off to god knows where and when he got back, he locked himself in his room and slept. When they saw each other briefly they'd hug and find somewhere quiet to kiss and show whatever affection they wanted to pretend to have. They hadn't shared a bed. Axel had tried to blow him the day before but he couldn't finish so Axel had wandered off, looking like he took it personally that Saïx couldn't find his way back into his own body enough to enjoy him. And they hadn't talked since.

In his spare time, which Saïx found himself with a sickening abundance of, he wandered aimlessly through the Castle.

That morning, Xigbar was waiting for him. Saix sat on the couch across the room from Xigbar and waited for some kind of job. He waited a while while Xigbar typed notes into the tablet. Xigbar started to hum to himself.

“If I don’t have anything to do, I’m going back to sleep,” Saix said.

“You’ll stay right there if you know what’s good for you, kid,” Xigbar replied.

Saix stayed put.

It wasn’t much later when Xigbar put the tablet down and crossed the room to sit down uncomfortably close on the couch next to Saix. He said, “You’re moving up in the world. Today, you’re going to stay here. I have some shit for you to read.”

“Oh?” Saix said. 

Xigbar handed him the tablet. “Go through this and get whatever you can make sense of. I did the first few pages.”

What Xigbar had gone over was sparsely highlighted, a few sections commented on with what seemed like commentary rather than business. 

“What is this?” Saix asked.

“You ask a lot of question, big boy,” Xigbar said. “Bad idea if you want to keep your head. Xaldin’s reports on Twilight Town. Not everyone sticks to the basics like you do.”

The document was 24 pages long and just skimming, Saix could tell it was mostly dense, unreadable ramblings about the people Xaldin saw in the market district of the town. 

“You good?” Xigbar asked. He stood, ready to leave.

“Yeah,” Saix said. 

“You sure? Because if you need help after this you’re gonna have to go fuck yourself because I’m  _ not  _ coming back here to help you with paperwork.”

“I’m fine,” Saix insisted. 

Xigbar waved, dismissal rather than a farewell. When he was alone, Saïx thought he could leave the tablet on the table and hide until they found him and punished him. He could misbehave, he could act out.

But his shoulder, mostly healed, still ached and popped if he reached too far. Next time, when his shoulder dislocated his flesh would tear like tender meat and he would fall to his death, his head smashed in on impact in front of the clock tower. Then the Organization wouldn’t be able to operate there because no one could cover _that_ up and even though he’d be dead, it would still be his fault.

Saix picked the tablet up, pulled his knees to his chest, and began reading.

He learned quickly that Xaldin wrote reports like a failed lit major, tangents describing unimportant details and dense, long sentences that lost track of the subject partway through. 

He took a break after the first page, already he felt like his eyes were crossing trying to understand it. No wonder Xigbar handed this job over to him. 

Dutifully, Saix kept reading until Zexion appeared in front of him and said, “The Superior has requested your presence.”

Saix looked up, then through Zexion.

“Me?” Saix said, putting a hand to his chest in a caricature of shock. He took note of the gesture and asked himself if he had done it on purpose. He wasn’t sure. “B-wh.. Why?”

“I’m sure he has his reasons.” Zexion paused expectantly but, before Saix could even stand, he snapped, “I’m not going to waste my time while your tiny brain suffers through processing a simple request. Get up now or I’ll leave you to get lost trying to find him.”

Saix bared his teeth but stood anyway. 

“You look like a dog,” Zexion said. He turned and started walking. Saix trotted behind him.

“Is that an  _ insult _ ?” Saïx accused.

“You hear what you want to hear,” Zexion replied smoothly.

Saïx sputtered out an argument but he could tell Zexion wasn't going to bother. Sick with anger, he bit the inside of his cheeks and stood up straighter. He had height over Zexion. But that was all.

As they walked, Saïx’s anger lessened. There was something hypnotic about the Castle, numbing. Saïx almost mistook it for soothing but there was nothing soothing about how he felt like his senses were being crushed in an iron box, half of his perception completely gone with his emotions.

“There's a betting pool on who Axel is going to sleep with first,” Zexion said. “When he gets sick of you, of course.”

Saïx stopped dead. He wouldn't be able to keep going if he wanted, his legs were jelly, ready to collapse under him. He ground his teeth together. Loud, so he could hear them creak in his skull.

“Do you want to know who I think it will be?” Zexion went on. He had a glint in his eye that only made it harder for Saïx to breathe.

“No,” Saïx said.

Zexion rapped a knuckle against a door at the end of the hall and turned back to Saïx.

“He's going to sleep with me. I know because he told me he wants to.”

Before he realized it, Saix had dropped the tablet and had both of his hands around Zexion’s neck, lifted him easily a few inches off the ground. Zexion kicked and struggled, one hand clawing at Saix’s hands and the other pushing him away. There was only the warning smell of ozone before electricity lit up Saix’s veins and he crumpled to the ground, his nerves buzzing from the shock. Zexion kicked him hard in the side. But that gave Saix an opportunity to grab Zexion’s ankle and pull him down to the floor.

“I’ll fucking  _ kill you _ !” Saix screamed. 

He was moving without thinking. Pinned Zexion down and climbed on top of him. Balled his hand into a fist. He managed to land a hard hit on Zexion’s face before some stupid spell or another knocked him back. He hit his head against the wall. Sat there. Dazed.

Saix hadn’t noticed but the door had opened. Xemnas had seen everything.

“Stand up,” he commanded.

Saix’s chest ached from how the wind had been knocked out of him. His fingertips still felt numb from the lightning shock. He stood and brushed himself off.

Xemnas turned to Zexion. “You’re dismissed.”

Zexion bowed, almost mockingly. Xemnas didn’t notice or, more likely, ignored it.

“I’m sorry,” Saix mumbled. “He…”

“Come here,” Xemnas said, ignoring Saix’s stuttering.

Saix followed him into the room. It was a hall, chairs in a circle. The chairs could have been called thrones, easily, tall backs that curved into the sharp symbol that decorated the castle. It seemed familiar, like he’d been here in a dream before. The way the chairs were arranged to look into a central point made it seem like a place meant for judgement to be passed. The chairs were numbered I-XIII, the numbers in no apparent order.

“Are you and Axel still pretending to be a couple?” Xemnas asked.

Saix was taken aback. “Is this what you called me here for?”

“I think you know your  _ relationship  _ is a futile effort.” 

“Do you want me to break up with him?” Saix asked. Xemnas’s gaze, the empty circle of chairs around him made him feel naked.

“I want nothing from you but your loyalty,” Xemnas replied. “You have much to learn about being a Nobody. I see great potential in you. Potential for power and strength.”

Xemnas’ presence was overwhelming. Saïx had never felt so small.

“Axel is holding you back,” Xemnas continued. “He doesn't yet understand the true purpose of the Organization.”

Saïx knew better than to say he was just as lost. Xemnas moved closer to him and put a hand on his shoulder. Instinctually, Saïx flinched back.

In a second, Xemnas changed. Saïx could see through him, he could see that under his skin there was only Darkness. There was no substance to him and fear broke through Saïx’s numbness. If Axel still had traces of a Heart, Xemnas was the opposite. If he had ever had a Heart, there was nothing left of it now.

Xemnas backhanded him. Saïx heard his jaw crack. But the pain was filtered by shock and Saïx’s only reaction was to cry out and rub at where Xemnas’ hand hit, a useless attempt at soothing it.

“I am not your enemy,” Xemnas said. “Do not treat me as such.”

“I'm sorry, sir,” Saïx said. 

Xemnas returned to his normal air of nothing. Saïx couldn't tell if he was still angry or not, or if he had even been angry at all.

“I came to warn you,” Xemnas said. “If Axel does not learn to obey the rules, I will be holding you accountable as long as you continue to associate with him romantically.”

“Okay,” Saïx said.

But that wasn't enough. Xemnas placed his hand back on Saïx’s shoulder. This time, Saïx took a shaky breath and stayed still. Xemnas gave him an approving look and Saïx hated how much he relished in it.

“It doesn't matter what anyone  _ feels _ ,” he said, emphasising the word to show how much he thought of emotions as a lie. “Make the right decision for yourself.”

They stood in silence. Saïx began to feel cold where Xemnas touched him. The Darkness that surrounded him was seeping through.

Saïx cleared his throat. “Thank you for the advice, Lord Xemnas. Do you require anything else of me?”

“Hm,” Xemnas said. “Speak to other members of the Organization; ask how they have responded to Axel’s disobedience and take advice from them. Fix the problem.” Fix Axel.

Saïx nodded. “I will.”

In the same tone Xemnas used to berate him after hitting him, Xemnas said, “Then return to what you were doing before. Do not let this conversation cause you to fall behind.” As he walked away, Saix only heard the low, ever present hum of machinery in the Castle. The door opened. Xemnas left it open behind him. 

Numb, Saix returned to the Lobby and sat with the tablet in his hands. He stared at the blank screen. Eventually, he read. He was still reading when a Corridor opened and Lexaeus stepped through. As soon as he was in the Lobby, he unzipped his cloak and tossed at the nearest surface, which was the couch Saix sat on. The coat landed on his lap. It smelled like sweat and body odor but it smelled stronger of blood. 

Saix shoved the coat off him onto the floor and turned to see Axel stumbling out of the Corridor right as it closed. He was next to Xaldin, trying to reach out for support but almost falling as Xaldin kept teasingly inching away from him. Blood coated the side of Axel’s face, sticking to his hair and his ear. 

“What happened?” Saix asked. Three pairs of eyes were on him immediately, staring at him like he’d apparated out of thin air.

“I won a bet,” Xaldin chuckled. “It got a bit rough.”

Saix’s eyes met Axel’s. He felt sick seeing the guilt inside of them. He wondered what Axel saw on him. When he imagined it, he thought about Xemnas’s eyes staring back at Axel from inside of his head, the Nobody nothingness that Xemnas had mastered. He wanted to scare Axel. He wanted Axel to know he was was falling into the Organization's mind games. Dried blood flaked off Axel’s temple onto his shoulder like dandruff. 

Axel blinked and the connection was gone. Like a cord had been snapped, Axel bolted for the hall. He ran right into Xigbar, who was walking in to greet the returning party.

“Now, now, where are you going?” Xigbar asked Axel. He had to hold Axel hard by the arm to keep him from pushing past. “Don’t you have a report to turn in today.”

“We’re covering him,” Xaldin said.

“He won a bet,” Lexaeus added, nodding towards Xaldin.

“What bet?” Saix asked. He stood and Xigbar gave him the same look, as if he had been invisible.

Axel shook his head and said, “Look, just don’t-”

“What bet?” Saix asked again, this time directed at Axel. He knew the answer but he wanted to hear it. Maybe he was the one being ensnared by mind games.

Xigbar shook him. “Go on, answer-” but before he was done speaking, he cried out and dropped Axel, who ran off into the hall. There was the smell of burning fabric. Xigbar’s wrists were exposed and dark pink.

Saix looked down at the tablet, a comment half typed, then looked between the three other men in the room. Now he was the center of attention, they looked at him expectantly. For fear or pain or jealousy. None of it came, except for a slight waver in his voice when he said, “Good evening gentlemen, rest well after your, uh. Your hard day of work.” 

Saix ducked his head down as he shuffled past into the hall. Finally, he thought he was safe. But bootsteps followed him. He wanted to scream.

“I honestly bet that he’d stay with you for a little longer,” Xigbar teased. “I lost good cash on this.”

“Sounds like your problem,” Saix spit back.

“There’s your claws, kitten, give it to me rough” Xigbar said. He grabbed Saix by the shoulder, where Xemnas had held him, and pulled him to a stop. “Now, c’mon. I understanding wanting to do the whole high school sweethearts bit but don’t you think that’s a little old now?”

“ _ Old _ ?”

Xigbar sighed. “Isa and Lea were in love and lost their virginities to each other under the moonlight while violin played in the distance. And now Axel and Saix don’t know what the fuck love is so they mash their faces together and hope it looks like they’re making out.”

“And Braig jerks off to the idea of high school boys being in a relationship?” Saix retorted.

Xigbar held up a finger, just a second. Hold up. “That’s not the point. I know you and Xemnas had a talk today. I know what it was about. You want my advice or not?”

Saix didn’t have a choice but to say, “What do you want to tell me?”

“Good boy,” Xigbar said and ruffled Saix’s hair. “My advice is leave him. Every Nobody for himself. I don’t say that because I like you or because I want you to succeed, I’m telling you that because it’s the truth. You do what you need to stay safe here and it isn’t safe to want to protect anyone but yourself.”

The only response Saix could muster was a nod. 

Xigbar held his shiteating grin and leaned forward until Saix could feel Xigbar’s breath on his cheek. 

Xigbar whispered, “You better thank me or I’ll give you something to thank me for.”

“Thank you,” Saix said. He stared past Xigbar to Axel’s room. In his mind, the room was empty, a subconscious effort to stop himself from thinking about what was on Axel’s mind at that point.

Xigbar caught the look. He started to leave, making sure to say, “Axel’s door is programmed not to open for you. And vice versa. Just to be safe.” Then he blew a kiss and left back for the Lobby.

Saix didn’t chase after him to beg for him to change the locks. He didn’t scream obscenities after him. He didn’t grab Xigbar and throw him to the ground and punch him over and over again. He didn’t cry at all. And, largest of all, he didn’t think about Axel curled up in his bed and he didn’t think about the noise Axel made in between sobs, a tornado siren whine that was adorable and pitious all at once.

Saix curled up in his bed and thought about breaking up with Axel but slowly, the droll speech of Xaldin’s report took over his skull.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote the last chapter to deal with a rough break up with my ex but I'm over it now and I'm pretty determined to finish this. Slowly but surely!


	5. IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One of my pet peeves is longfic with 1 billion tags so I'll put the tags here:  
> #dubcon #rough sex #outdoor sex #voyeurism #blackmail  
> So mostly smut here.

Axel hopped back and forth on his feet. Xaldin and Lexaeus watched him, they held a mumbled conversation Axel couldn't quite hear. He was getting bored waiting for them. He had stepped out of the Corridor into the sparse forest outside of Twilight Town, finally off the World That Never Was, out of the Castle. Fresh air. He summoned his Chakrams. He was proud of how quickly he took to them, it felt just like throwing frisbees. 

He threw one at a thick overhanging tree branch, called it back to his hand, threw the other, called it back, repeat. Bits of bark chipped off onto the ground. He turned to see the other two still deep in conversation. Were they arguing about something? Axel called his Chakrams back and lazily twirled them, swung them back and forth, while he inched towards them, trying to eavesdrop. Right as he got close enough to hear them, they abruptly stopped talking and looked at him like he’d stepped on their feet. 

Axel coughed and straightened up. “What are we doing here anyway?” he asked.

Lexaues and Xaldin eyed each other.

“How about a training exercise?” Xaldin said.

“Wait, you didn’t know what we were going to do out he-”

“Every man for himself,” Lexaeus said.

“A spar, then?” Xaldin said.

“Hey!” Axel shouted. “What are we doing?”

Neither of them acknowledged him. 

“Count to five before the game starts, time to scatter,” Lexaeus continued.

“Wait, wait!” Axel stepped between them this time, shoving them so they had no chance to ignore them. He froze when he had their attention and realized he wasn’t going to be able to get anything from them. He resigned himself to this stupid game of hide and seek. “What does the winner get?”

Lexaeus and Xaldin looked at each other again. Axel knew they were hiding something but he couldn’t think to question what it could be.

“You’ll see,” Lexaeus said.

Axel rolled his eyes, what cryptic bullshit. He didn’t have more time to think about it before Xaldin said, “Ready?”

Lexaeus said, “Set.”

Axel sighed. He said, “Go.” and immediately turned and ran the opposite of the direction they’d come. 

One, two. This was definitely the wrong direction, he had to push through bushes and kept slipping on loose, dead leaves. 

Three. He ran face first into a tree.

Four, five. Axel leaned back against a thick tree to catch his breath. There was no way he could go up against both of the other Nobodies by himself. Maybe one would take the other down before he was found. 

While he waited, Axel picked at the tree, sending leaves up in smoke and holding twigs between his fingers while the ends burned. There was a coat of ash on his knees when he froze, straining to hear if the ‘crack’ he just heard was a squirrel or a Nobody.

A lance barely missed his ear, the cold ar accompanying it blew his hair back.

“Shit,” he said. He scanned the area but he couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary. With the way Xaldin could curve his throws, there was no way to tell which way it had been thrown from. The lance was gone from beside him in a blink. 

Axel crawled until he was on more stable ground, then picked himself up to a crouch and kept moving. He crept from tree to tree, his whole body tense and high alert. 

Something was coming. On instinct, he ducked low to the ground. Lexaeus’s axe dug into the tree, easily slicing through almost half of the thick trunk. Axel turned on his heel and sent a wave of flame towards Lexaeus’s ankles. A few small tree saplings burned to embers. Axel took the chance to run until he found a tree with a branch close enough to the ground that he could easily pull himself up. Before he started climbing, he hefted one of his chakrams towards Lexaeus and hit him square in the stomach. Lexaeus was sent falling backwards. He struggled to catch himself on the loose ground and Axel barely saw him hit the forest floor when he turned and started scaling the tree. 

It was only when he was fifteen feet off the ground did he realize he’d cornered himself for his opponents. He glanced down to see Lexaeus on the ground, waiting patiently with his arms crossed.

“Go find Xaldin,” Axel shouted. “I’ll fight winner.”

Lexaeus laughed at him. 

“I thought this was every man for himself,” Axel whined. “Don’t target me, it’s not fair.”

“The  _ only _ rule was every man for himself,” Xaldin chimed in. “Get down from there.”

Xaldin was standing with a long lance in one hand, the other on his hip. He looked like a disapproving teacher and, in a sense, maybe he was. They were still training, technically. Axel’s first instinct was to let go of the tree with one hand and flip them both off. He didn’t do that and, since there was nothing he could do but bow to them, he stayed in the tree.

“Get me down yourself,” he shouted.

Xaldin pulled his lance back as if to throw it. Axel started climbing down.

Then his foot caught and there was a  _ crack _ .

And he was on the ground, propped sitting up on the tree. His face felt wet and his head throbbed. He took one of his gloves off and touched his forehead with his fingertips. They came back red and sticky.

“We were just discussing where to hide your body,” Xaldin said, his lips curled in a cruel smile. “We thought you wouldn’t wake up.”

“Who won?” Lexaeus asked. The question wasn’t directed at Axel.

Xaldin replied by holding his hand up in a fist, his other hand flat below it. Lexaeus clicked his tongue but nodded.

“Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.” 

Xaldin won, paper trumps rock. Xaldin pumped his fist in triumph while Lexaeus’s hands shook from the fists he curled the into. He was obviously holding himself back from wrapping his hands around Xaldin’s neck. Xaldin ignored the aggression.

All the while, Axel was blinking, trying not to see double. His stomach was churning and the ground beneath him swayed. Motion sickness on still ground.

“What’s going on?” he asked. 

Xaldin approached Axel and crouched down to his level.

“Can you stand?” he asked. He held a hand out.

Axel took it. He managed to pull himself shakily to his feet. It wasn’t the worst pain he’d felt since he’d joined the Organization but he’d never suffered from a head injury before. Usually it was deep bruises, cuts, sore muscles. 

“Did you guys bring potions?” Axel asked.

“Yes,” Lexaeus replied.

“Can I have one?”

“No,” Xaldin said.

“Why not?” 

Xaldin dipped down so that his face was uncomfortably close to Axel’s. “Because I said so.”

“Ohhh,” Axel said. “Okay, I get it. It’s about me.”

“Smart,” Xaldin chuckled. “You haven’t been laid since you joined the Organization, have you?”

Axel shivered. He tried to turn away but Xaldin trapped him. Axel was stuck between Xaldin’s body and the tree trunk. He gulped.

“Guess I haven’t,” Axel mumbled. Inwardly, he cringed at himself for saying something so flirty. Things would be better if he could keep his stupid mouth shut for once. But here, with a man so ready to go, the compulsion was impossible to ignore. He knew exactly what this was leading to.

“Looks like I'm the winner,” Xaldin said. In one rough motion he slammed Axel back onto the tree. He kept him there with a large knee pressed between his legs and a hand in his hair. 

Axel tilted his head to the side and Xaldin tightened his grip on Axel’s hair until tears wet his eyes. He ran his tongue up Axel’s jaw, flat against his skin. He stopped at Axel’s ear to tease the lobe between his teeth. He had left a cold trail in his wake. When Axel could see him again, his blood stained the corners of Xaldin’s mouth.

Axel felt his dick twitch at the sight. It hadn't been more than a week here but he already felt blueballed and rejected by Saïx. Maybe it wasn't his fault that he couldn't get it up but it was Axel’s problem too.

“Want to see how Nobodies fuck?” Xaldin didn't wait for an answer before he mashed his mouth onto Axel’s. Their teeth clicked together at first, Axel surprised by the sudden attack. But he relaxed easily, all resistance gone from his foggy mind.

Even before becoming a Nobody, Axel hadn't been this intense with anyone. Xaldin unzipped Axel’s cloak while he bit at his neck. That and Axel’s blood, still concealing on his cheeks and making Xaldin’s spit muddy brown made Xaldin resemble a vampire. Axel’s cloak fell to the ground. He felt goosebumps rise with the sudden rush of cool air on his exposed skin.

He did the same for Xaldin, unzipped his cloak. But before he could slide his hands over Xaldin’s shoulders, Xaldin grabbed him and aggressively flipped him around. Axel had to brace himself on the tree to stop himself from falling over. The sudden movement sent his head spinning. 

Axel’s pants and underwear were around his knees. He was bent at the waist, his feet shoulders width apart. It was a humiliating position, made worse by how Xaldin spit, “Keep your face forward, bitch” when Axel craned his neck back to try to gather some idea of what Xaldin was going to do to him.

Axel obeyed and stared intently at the tree bark inches from his face. He focused on what he could feel from Xaldin. He reached between Axel’s legs and tugged on his cock until he was hard. He stopped before Axel could get into it, left his cock twitching in the air. Axel whined. Xaldin responded by smacking his ass, hard.

Axel’s sharp gasp was covered by the sound of Xaldin laughing at him.

“I could break my hand on your ass,” he said. “Try eating a bit more, love. You're just a skeleton.”

“Don't remind-  _ ah _ .” Axel cut off his snarky retort as he felt Xaldin push a finger inside him with no warning. He signed with a relief he wasn't expecting, Xaldin was using  _ something _ for lube.

Then there was a tingling, numbness. 

“Magic?” Axel said, not thinking about what was coming out of his mouth, including whimpers and moans that broke his breathing. 

“I enchanted It,” Lexaeus boasted. “Watered down spell used on potions.”

Axel had forgotten he was there. He turned his head to see Lexaeus. He was on his phone, leaned on a tree and watching them like he didn't care what they were doing. 

“It's nice,” Axel said. He winked at Lexaeus. Lexaeus raised an eyebrow in response but did nothing else.

Xaldin was stretching Axel for his comfort, not Axel’s. It was rough, jerky movements. He moved from one finger to two fingers, then scissoring Axel open all too fast.

Without warning, Xaldin pressed his cock against Axel’s hole, only giving him a second to process what was happening. Then it was inside of him. It was all Axel could do to stay standing and not let his weak knees buckle under him. 

He never thought sex could feel this way. Even after he'd given into the impulse to give Xaldin what he wanted, there had been some doubt about whether he really wanted it or not. But the way Xaldin opened him, slow and steady as he pulled out to tease. 

Axel wanted to say something, any kind of language to remind himself he could speak at all. He couldn't get any words out anyway. He could only shallowly pant and moan, cracked noises he was trying to hold back.

“You can't really be this desperate,” Xaldin said. “Stop faking.”

“M'not,” Axel mumbled. 

Xaldin stopped, balls deep in Axel. Axel pushed back, more more more.

“Fuck, you're everything I've ever dreamed of.” Xaldin pulled out, quickly dropped more lube onto his cock, then grabbed Axel by the waist. “Ready?”

Axel nodded enthusiastically. And he almost screamed when Xaldin started fucking him, _really_ _fucking him_. It was an intensity Axel had never felt before. His whole world was narrowed to the feeling of intrusion inside of him. His stomach felt bloated with it.

“You're so thin,” Xaldin grunted. He jabbed his fingers into Axel’s stomach, right above his dick, and pressed down hard. 

Axel almost passed out. He felt like his stomach was going to come out of his mouth. His head hit the trunk of the tree with every thrust, it was a struggle just to stand. His forearms scraped against the rough bark that he braced himself on.

Some part of Axel wanted to stay like that forever. He felt more like himself than he had in days. He had flesh and skin, nerve endings and gasping lungs. His cock was hard. His balls were tight. He could hear himself sobbing. He didn't need much else. 

_ Fuck Saïx, _ he thought and came. His cock jerked between his legs. He hadn't been touched. 

Xaldin kept going, even after Axel came down enough to start to feel how raw he was. He he had cum until there was nothing left. Xaldin growled and finished deep inside of him. He realized the only thing holding him up was Xaldin’s crushing grip on his ribs a second before Xaldin dropped him to the ground.

Axel caught himself on his hands. The pain in his wrists were just another hurt. He wiggled back into his pants and sat up, his legs stretched straight in front of him. Xaldin had already zipped his fly and was tucking dreads behind his ear and out of his face. 

“So?” he said. He continued to pick at his hair and straighten his clothes. He preened. 

“I've never been fucked like that in my life,” Axel groaned. “It almost makes this whole Heartless business worth it.”

“I'm glad you enjoyed yourself, it would be a problem if you didn't. I don't like being any kinder than that,” Xaldin replied. There was a silent agreement between them.  _ From now on, I'm going to have you when I want, how I want, whether you like it or not. _

“Don't sweet talk me, baby,” Axel teased. He couldn't help it. If he convinced himself he could take more, maybe it would be true.

“I'm not,” Xaldin said. He hadn't seen the flirtation.

Axel ran his fingers over his forearms, scraped and full of splinters from the bark of the tree. His ass was wet with the semen dripping out of him. The seat of his boxers was slimy. 

“Why were you fighting over me?” Axel asked suddenly. Lexaeus and Xaldin glanced at each other, checking with each other to see how much of a lie they had to spin. 

“Zexion started a betting pool for who would help you blossom into your new sexuality first,” Xaldin said. No lie, then. “We were simply taking advantage of an opportunity.”

“So,” Axel went on, “when you played rock paper scissors, it was for who would get to fuck me?”

“Yes.” 

“How much do you get?”

“Enough.”

“Can I have some?”

Before Xaldin could retort, Lexaeus said, “Shut up, you're annoying me.”

Axel glanced at him. Without thinking, his eyes flicked to between Lexaeus’s legs. He couldn't look away, he was already lost thinking about what kind of monster could be making a bulge like that.

“Are you jealous?” Axel asked, the words out of his mouth before he could think about their meaning.

Lexaeus’s face went dark. He crouched down next to Axel and pulled his phone out of his pocket. On the screen was an image. Xaldin, deep inside Axel, their faces twisted with pleasure. It looked intentional, planned. Like the men in the photo liked that they could be seen.

“I'm not,” Lexaeus said. He swiped across the screen and started a video. Axel’s voice came through to speaker, warped with a tinny quality and garbled with the low sound of Xaldin’s grunts. 

Axel was entranced. He couldn't keep his eyes away from the screen, watching every small twitch of the face of the Axel caught onscreen. He looked so distant, so blissful.

“I know I'll get my chance,” Lexaeus said and turned the phone off.

Axel stared through him. _Blackmail?_ he mouthed, unable to get the word out.

Lexaeus nodded. There was no sign of pride, smugness, dominance. Only a matter of fact chin wiggle. 

Axel let himself fall to lay flat on the ground. He scratched at his head. His fingers came away bloody. He had reopened the cut from falling out of the tree.

“There wasn't any actual training,” Xaldin said. “We can head back if you'd like. I have no preference between that and staying here.”

Axel twisted his neck to Xaldin, the same unseeing gaze. “So you brought me out here to fight over me?”

“More or less,” 

“Don't you feel honored?” Lexaeus cooed.

Axel shrugged. “That's a lot of work for little old me.”

He sighed and closed his eyes. The ground was more comfortable than he thought it would be. If he opened his eyes, he saw a clear sunset sky. Closed, he could pretend he was the only creature in the world. But that would get lonely. If he was alone, there would be no one to fuck him the way Xaldin did. The way Lexaeus was threatening to. 

“Ready to head back?” Xaldin asked. Axel heard him speak, only the airy sound of his voice.

Lexaeus spoke. Xaldin spoke. One of them kicked him in the side.

Axel responded by shrieking and curling up to protect himself.

“Just get up,” Lexaeus said.

“Yeah, easy for you to say,” Axel groaned. He heard a Corridor open.

Xaldin was patient enough to wait for Axel to sit up, extend a hand to help him to his feet. Axel’s waist ached, pain bloomed from his sore ass. When he was standing, Xaldin abandoned Axel to get through the Corridor on his own.

He made it, somehow. The world was rocking. He realized it had been since he woke up, he hadn't had reason to pay attention to it before.

The first thing Axel saw when he stepped back into the Castle was Saïx. His first reaction was rage. He wanted to scream.  _ This is your fault, if you still loved me I wouldn’t be doing this. _ But he felt guilty for even thinking that. Saïx looked like a kicked puppy, his eyes wide and worried. 

All Axel could think to do was to get out of there. He didn't make it far. He ran straight into Xigbar. Xigbar grabbed his shoulder, holding it so hard Axel thought his bones creaked. He struggled but he had no strength, Xigbar had him tight. 

“Don't you have a report to do?” he said. Axel could smell his breath, acidic with nicotine. It made Axel wish for a cigarette.

Before he could stand up for himself, Xaldin answers, “We're covering him.”

Lexaeus looked Axel in the eyes and added, “he won a bet.” bragging about his friend's accomplishment like he had reeled in a ten pound bass.

Axel was the bass. Axel was the game. His body was the bet. And if he didn't feel humiliated enough, Saïx stood suddenly and glared at him.

“What bet?” he demanded.

Axel was sure Saïx knew the answer. He just looked tired now. Isa had been known for his stony face, how he barely showed emotion. Even his smile was delicate and overlooked. Lea’s ability to see through the barrier of a limited physical vocabulary was part of the reason they had become friends. It was part of the reason they were in love. 

The difference between Isa and Saïx was that after the initial shock of seeing Axel faded, there was no emotion behind Saïx's neutral expression. It was just that, neutral. It was like looking at a portrait of him painted with no passion, a perfect semblance with no emotion.

_ We're in love _ , Axel reminded himself of it as he tried to answer, “Look, just don't-" 

Saïx interrupted him before he could beg to be able to explain later, when he wasn't concussed and shaking. 

“ _ What _ bet?” He stomped his foot when he asked, an almost petulant habit he shared with Isa.

Axel thought he was going to black out. He couldn't do this right now. He couldn't find words, not to tell Saïx to be patient or to tell Xigbar to stop fucking shaking him.

He did what he was used to. He grabbed Xigbar by the wrist, lit a small fire spell, and struggled to get back to his room before anyone could follow.

He only cried because he couldn't help himself. He realized how dirty he felt but the thought of taking off his clothes and trying to soothe his body only made the feeling worse. He could just collapse onto the mattress and scream until he couldn't. 

By the time his fit was over, he was exhausted. 

“Careful,” he said to himself. A voice to ground him. He wiggled out of his cloak and pants and stared at his legs. “I need to be careful. From here on out.” 

He hid his face in his hands and whined. It was all he could muster. For a while, he watched the door. He hoped it would open, Saïx would come hold him and kiss him and tell him, “It’s okay, we’ll always have each other.”

But he didn’t. This was life now. Axel calmed himself by snapping match light flames and watching them burn black spots on the grey stone floor.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a thing I started. It has a huge plot and there's going to be way more of Xemnas later on plus probably some more explicit things. If I decide to keep going with it then I'll update tags accordingly. Leave thoughts and comments if you have any! I'd really appreciate it :D


End file.
